Are You In the “Having Mode” or the “Being Mode?”

The good news is that the transition from "having" to "being" is available to all of us. Give it a try. The only thing you have to lose is your anxiety and unhappiness…

Image by Alexa from Pixabay

“The Way to do is to be.” —Lao-Tse

“People should not consider so much what they are to do, as what they are.” —Meister Eckhart

“For what is a man advantaged, if he gains the whole world, and loses himself?” — Jesus in Luke 9:24-25

In his famous book To Have or To Be, social psychiatrist Eric Fromm famously defined five different personality types (Receptive, Exploitative, Hoarding, Marketing, and Productive) that rest on two different world-view foundations.

Those two foundations are characterized by people who spend much of their lives having, owning, and acquiring money and things versus people who spend most of their time enjoying life, relationships, and the experience of being in this world. Fromm called them the “having mode” and the “being mode.”

Fromm is explicit:

“What I saw has led me to conclude that this distinction … represents the most crucial problem of existence; that empirical anthropological and psychoanalytic data tend to demonstrate that having and being are two fundamental modes of experience, the respective strengths of which determine the differences between the characters of individuals and various types of social character.”

Those stuck in having mode are not only generally obsessed with their possessions and the status of their bank accounts, but also are drawn to power and aggression as ways to increase their wealth and stuff. These are, Fromm writes, “the basis of the universal evils of greed, envy and violence.”

Those who live in the being mode generally experience a richer life “based on love, the pleasure of sharing, and in productive activity” that benefits others.

The two, of course, are the far ends of a spectrum; we all have both modes at all time, but some people — like the billionaires who exhibit compulsive hoarding behavior around money, yachts, and mansions around the world — live most of their lives so deeply in the “having” mode that they end up miserable, both to themselves, others, and society as a whole.

Our culture teaches us from an early age that the most desirable of these two modes is the having mode, because there’s money to be made selling us stuff that we can then have. Encouraging “having” is the essence of almost all advertising, and today’s social media is flooded with pictures and videos of people showing off their possessions.

Our status in society is so firmly defined by “having” that very rich people are not only deferred to by cops, courts, and the media but find themselves surrounded by hangers-on who simply want to be in the proximity of somebody with so much money and stuff.

This isn’t true of all societies; those with a heavy grounding in religion — particularly those religions that emphasize states of being like meditation, compassion, and generosity — exalt and hold up as role models their most “being” members, be they gurus, the Dalai Lama, or Mother Teresa.

Broadly speaking, people who spend most of their time in being mode are the happiest; they’re in touch with themselves, with others, and with the life itself all around them regardless of their level of possessions.

On the other hand, people who spend most of their lives in having mode are almost always unfulfilled; that “hole in the soul” is virtually the definition of the person who’s constantly trying to fill it with money or stuff.

For these unfortunate people, there’s never enough to make them happy; it’s why most millionaires and billionaires never stop trying to get more, more, more even though they already have enough to last them several lifetimes. They live their lives in a constant state of insecurity, always feeling they need “just one more thing” or “just another billion dollars.”

These two primary modes are not genetic: we’re not born with them. We learn them, both through childhood and on an ongoing basis as we live our adult lives. And we can learn how to shift from having to being if we choose to.

In fact, our culture celebrates this shift; it’s one of the more common plot lines in novels and movies. In part we embrace this type of transformation because it’s so rare and often difficult, but we also hold it up because deep down inside we all intuit its transformational power and importance.

Pretty Lady, The Wedding Singer: The rich guy who discovers only true love will make him happy (although often those are twisted into having stories by virtue of the meme that only that partner, particularly if they’re attractive or sexy enough, will produce happiness).

The Pursuit of Happiness, Secret life of Walter Mitty: The person who discovers their own deep inner truths.

A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life: The person who abandons wealth and power for friendship and community.

The most likely reason most people stuck in having never make the transition to spending more or even most of their lives in being mode is because our culture doesn’t teach us this sort of a transformation is possible.

It’s at the core of the teachings of Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, and the Indian saints and gods, but in having-based cultures like ours even these often end up corrupted. For example, the so-called “prosperity gospel” that’s so widely embraced by televangelists teaches that God will reward you with temporal riches if you just share part of your wealth with your church and pastor. It results in televangelists with private jets and mansions, but keeps their parishioners locked in an insecure cycle of constantly trying to get more, more, more.

The good news is that the transition from having to being is available to all of us, just like Dickens and Jesus tell us. It just takes intentional and repeated efforts to loosen the grip our possessions have on us and instead embrace the vitality and sanctity of love and life.

Fromm — and numerous others who’ve preached the benefits and value of embracing being — lays out a series of steps that we all can take to shift our view and experience of the world from having to being.

The first is to intellectually and emotionally realize that stuff will never make us happy. Hundreds of studies over the years have repeatedly shown that once a person’s basic needs for food, shelter, and health are met adding more and more money or possessions doesn’t measurably increase happiness. In fact, the opposite is often the case, like in the case of Ebenezer Scrooge: people who obsess on their wealth tend to become progressively more and more isolated, insecure, and miserable through the course of their lives.

A common way to achieve this realization is through cataloging the possessions you have and compare the satisfaction you get from them versus the meaning and fulfillment you get from partners, family, and friendship. People who’ve lost everything to a natural disaster are suddenly forced to confront this, for example, and they will so frequently tell a visiting news crew that, “At least my family is safe and we have each other” that it has become a cliché.

Other strategies to embrace more being and let go of obsessively having include:

Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Engaging in mindfulness practices can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts and behaviors, allowing them to recognize the ways in which they are focused on "having" rather than "being." Self-reflection encourages individuals to examine their values and motivations, leading to a deeper understanding of what truly matters in life.

Cultivating Relationships: Fromm emphasized the importance of nurturing genuine relationships over accumulating possessions. By focusing on meaningful connections with others, individuals can shift their emphasis from material wealth to emotional and spiritual fulfillment.

Simplification and Minimalism: Adopting a minimalist lifestyle can help reduce the focus on material possessions. By simplifying one's life and reducing clutter, individuals can create space for more meaningful experiences and personal growth. (A great guide to this is Tom Shadyac’s brilliant movie — that I was honored to be featured in — “I Am.”)

Transformative Questions: Asking deep, reflective questions can challenge existing worldviews and encourage a shift in perspective. Questions such as "What is truly important to me?" or "How can I contribute to the well-being of others?" can lead to a more being-oriented mindset.

Embracing Creativity and Expression: Engaging in creative activities and self-expression can foster a sense of being. These activities encourage individuals to explore their inner selves and express their unique identities, moving away from a focus on external validation and material success.

Practicing Gratitude: Regularly reflecting on and expressing gratitude for what one already has can help shift the focus from acquiring more to appreciating the present moment and the intangible aspects of life.

The result of engaging in these practices include:

Enhanced Psychological Health: Emphasizing "being" is associated with greater psychological well-being. This approach encourages individuals to value themselves and others based on intrinsic qualities rather than material possessions, leading to improved self-worth and reduced symptoms of mood disorders and anxiety.

Acceptance and Mindfulness: Practicing acceptance of one's mental experiences, a key aspect of the "being" mode, is linked to better psychological health. Acceptance helps individuals manage negative emotions more effectively, reducing stress and promoting a sense of calm and clarity.

Positive Thinking and Stress Management: A focus on "being" often involves positive thinking, which can improve stress management and overall health. Positive thinking helps individuals cope better with stressful situations, leading to better cardiovascular health and reduced psychological distress.

Reduced Rumination and Emotional Reactivity: Mindfulness, closely related to the "being" mode, reduces rumination and emotional reactivity. This allows individuals to disengage from negative thought patterns and respond to situations with greater emotional regulation and insight.

Improved Relationships and Life Satisfaction: By prioritizing meaningful experiences and relationships over material possessions, individuals can achieve greater life satisfaction and a sense of purpose. This shift fosters deeper connections with others and enhances overall well-being.

So, give it a try (and check out Tom Shadyac’s movie!).  The only thing you have to lose is your anxiety and unhappiness…